guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
