Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
