did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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