"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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