Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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