Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
