and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
