I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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