good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
