he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
