Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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