I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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