i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
