i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
