The maid of honor just puked.
I didn't shave. On purpose
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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