dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
