someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
