I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
