hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
