I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
