I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
