Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
