I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
