I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
