I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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