I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
