This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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