He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
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