you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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