once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
