the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
