hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
