its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
