White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Fuck appropriateness.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
