pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
