Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
