Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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