i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
