I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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