I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
NoShamevember. You game?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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