I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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