My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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