I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
