yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
