i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
