Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I am one with the molecules
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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