No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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