How'd it feel making her break her religion?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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