There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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