I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
